Just like when you are in a accident and injure yourself you are left with scars , When you lose a child you are forever broken. Let me explain.
When you lose a child your world stops, you lose countless years of watching your child grow up, you miss all the milestones that they would of achieved and you are reminded of that every waking hour of every day.
It is no wonder then that the rate for depression related causes in Bereaved parents vs non bereaved was around 70% higher
( Source:https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa033160 )
I have spent so many years lying to myself about how I am doing, I mean I know i am broken how could I not be. But as many others in our community I tend to bury my problems just to help others out.
My volunteering helps me a lot its the one constant thing in my life that never changes and its always there and I really enjoy doing it . Call it a therapy of sorts.
Over the past year I started getting something called a grief pangs, Imagine someone sneaking up on you and scaring the living hell out of you, More and more frequently and I just don’t know how to handle them, I tend to lash out on social media about topics without thinking , and shamefully I can go weeks without a bath (thank you depression).
I often most nights will stay up till the early hours ( 4 am) and sleep till just before i need to get up for work. This has a huge impact for my family life . I have a rainbow who is 4 and I adore her but those who say when are you having another child really piss me off . You see when you have your rainbow that’s all well and good but each day is a reminder of what could of been.
It is not like you can hide away from things when you have another child , you can’t blank anything out I have tried many times. I spend everyday questioning myself as a father and as a partner , I spend every day being reminded of what could have been , and do you know what I fucking hate it . I hate that my life has being ruined I hate that i feel like a failure as a dad and I hate feeling like shit all the fucking time.
One of the saddest things i think is that since losing my son I have made so many amazing friends , all of them bereaved parents . Who would have thought from such tragedy would come such good . These people are not just Facebook friends these are people i have actually met through Facebook and forged massive friendships with , who would of thought it huh?.
So as I often do I contemplate life , what is happening and trying to process it and try find a meaning .
Every now and then something will come along and strike a chord with me , whether it be a movie a song or a blog I have seen . 2 things recently caught my attention to the point I have to include them in this blog .
The first was a blog piece by an amazing writer and angel mum Rachel Whalen , one of her blogs is titled “ I’m the lady with the dead baby ” Please find it here (https://anunexpectedfamilyouting.wordpress.com)
Even though this is from a mums perspective everything in it could be applied to angel dads too.
Please check out her Facebook page. (https://www.facebook.com/unexpectedfamilyouting/)
The second was a movie I finally got around to watching called the greatest showman see link
The soundtrack for this film and its story is amazing , a story of outcasts , I think outcasts stuck with me because that’s how I feel as an angel parent ( and i have ginger hair so growing up was interesting ) and i know others do too .
One song that stuck with me is called “This is Me” ( https://youtu.be/XLFEvHWD_NE?t=59) and is a self described song for outcasts. So many of the lyrics stuck with me and describe how it feels to feel like a outcast in society when you mention a dead child .
It is weird to admit but I listen to this song it make me feel empowered , like I can take the world on. So once again I say to grief “You Will Not Win”